Take a sad song and make it better...

Hi All,

This is going to be brief because, well, I don't have much to talk about (well, there's a couple of things I would love to talk about, but outside influences are saying I can't). I just wanted to let you guys know that I've been doing well since I got out of the hospital. I've been dealing with the stresses of school, with people I feel are trying to bring me down (again, can't really talk about it here), and with life in general. But I think I'm taking it in stride.
I can't say that everything is perfect with the world, but things are definitely a hell of a lot better than they were even a week ago. It's a good feeling being stable for the first time in...well, months. I don't feel like I could conquer the world, and I don't feel like the world can conquer me. I am at a happy in-between.
I think this could be a new beginning for me...I really do. I think that I could potentially stay stablized and lead a happy and productive life. Because I do not want the alternative...that is, leading a crappy, miserable existance. I mean come on! Who really wants that?
Anyways, I'm hoping I have some excitement in my life (good excitement) because I think I need something more to talk about. I am definitely keeping this blog going because, (I'm sorry) let's face it, this mood won't stay great forever. It's pessimistic, but it's not self-destruction through fortune-telling like some of you will say. It's just the truth with bipolar disorder. It can rear its ugly head at any time.
I'm going to end this post before I start with the pessimism and scare everyone away from reading. So I'm hoping that all is well with you guys.

Best,
Ben P.

Total Hiatus...

Hi All,

I apologize for yet another small hiatus, but I was just discharged from the hospital this morning. It was a long three days, but I survived another stay.
Guys, it was not too pleasant of a stay. Yes, everyone was nice, and I was treated very well, but I was pretty much there against my will. I admitted myself, but I did not want to be there. I was pretty much forced into going by the CanHelp Hotline people. Needless to say, I will never be calling them again (and I hope I never have a reason to anyways).
Anyways, I was taken to the emergency room early Friday morning. I sat there in a bed for five hours, trying to sleep, but hardly getting any. While I was there, they did a lithium level, along with a a few other blood tests. Finally, they admitted me to the Behavioral Health Unit (that basically means psych ward).
The next day, I slept through basically the whole day. I was that tired. But I still went to group therapy and any other group sessions that they had. The following two days were uneventful, save for group therapy sessions, movies (Forrest Gump still stands as one of the greatest movies of all time, but I will give Walk the Line credit as an awesome movie too), and meals (hospital actually is not that bad). I also made a collage (I freaking rule at making collages).
Finally, today they did another lithium level and I was told that it was perfect. I waited around for three days for a blood test that could be done outside the hospital. Anyways, I was told I could go and was released this morning.
Anyways, thanks for reading this. I know it's just me talking about the hospital, but I had to get it out there.

Best,
Ben P.

"I don't want the label..."

Hi All,

I know that I just posted yesterday, but I wanted to share something that affected me today. It's a quick story, but this really bothered me, and continues to.
I was helping an organization I'm part of, called Active Minds, with a table promoting awareness of suicide awareness. It was me and a girl (whose name I obviously will not use here) who's part of the organization manning the table when a college student about my age walked over. He was looking over the stuff that we had laid out (pamphlets, pins, the like) when he picked up a bracelet. The bracelets say "I cannot be replaced" on them and they have instructions attached to pass on the bracelet to someone who you know is struggling with depression. This guy was looking at the bracelet when the girl I was working with said something along the lines of "You should take one of those. It could really help someone out." The guy said in a solemn voice "I actually am one of those people," meaning that he must have been suffering from depression. The girl then said "Oh, well then you should definitly take one." Then the guy said something that floored me: "I don't want the label." Before leaving, he pointed to one of our pamphlets which has the word UNTREATABLE with the UN crossed out (meaning that mental disorders are treatable), and he said "That's very true," then walked off.
Sigh...where do I start? Two things I want to say.
1. Mental illness is treatable. Sure, there's no cure for most of those illnesses, but treatment plans are always possible. If you have a mental illness, you are not a lost cause. You can be treated and you can be helped.
2. Stigma is a bitch. Sorry for the language, but come on. I was always afraid of labels before I started telling friends (and the family that didn't already know) about my illness. You have to look past the labels because the fact is that this is your health. It's not only part of who you are (although obviously you didn't choose it), but it's also your health. No one should make fun of you for your health. That's just wrong.
It really bummed me out that this guy wasn't even willing to wear a bracelet because he was afraid he would be labeled. I obviously don't know his situation, and I don't know his condition, but the poor guy needs to look past the labels and do what's best for him, not what to do just for appearances.
I'm attaching several links to the bottom of this post. For anyone who needs help or knows someone who needs help, or just even a boost, take a look at these links. The first one is a TEDTalk which I think a lot of people have seen, but it's a comedian who suffers from depression. It's 10 minutes long, but worth watching. The second is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline site.
Anyways, I'm done ranting for tonight. Thanks for reading, guys, it's really appreciated.

Best,
Ben P.

http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

With a little help from my friends...

Hi All,

Sorry for the delay. There's been a lot going on and I wasn't sure what to write about. I didn't want to force a blog topic just for the sake of writing one, so I waited. But I'm back, so here goes.
This past week was rough. I was having a hard time with moods (mainly depression) and just the stresses of life in general. I had a good cry one day, and slept away through classes for another.
But I made it through my week with the help of some friends and family. I depend on these people greatly, and I owe them big time.
A support system is an amazing thing to have. Everyone needs friends and/or family to support them. You can't go through it alone, whether you have a mental illness or not. But those of us with a mental illness need support from those around us. We don't need constant supervision, but we need to know that someone will be there to help us when we're in need of it.
So I am mainly using today's post to thank my friends and family for their help, not just this week, but every week. Sorry for the short post, especially after a longer break, but I'll be back with more once I'm back on track.

Best,
Ben P.

Just another brick in the wall...

- "All in all, you're just another brick in the wall." -

Hi All,

I know that Pink Floyd had another meaning for their song, but I'm using this lyric to describe those people who suffer from depression (or bipolar) and whose symptoms and silent cries for help are ignored by those around them. Many people who show depressive symptoms often try to show it through their actions and words, but their friends and family often don't pick up on this, which can be harmful to both parties in the end should something happen to the sufferer.
When I was first experiencing depression, I would often lay my head down and tell my friends and family that I was tired. Most people would either write it off as me not getting enough sleep or me just complaining. I would also make jokes about...well, (let's get down to the nitty-gritty here) harming myself. No one took me seriously. "Dude, quit kidding around" is the only response I got.
It's a shame for us who have to suffer in silence and feel like we can't come out and say "I'm depressed. Please help me." It's really a shame for those who lose a loved one because they didn't pay attention to the signs.
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. But every week should be National Suicide Prevention Week. Because we all need to start paying attention. If you think you know someone that is depressed and not getting the help they need, do something about it. Be their first link to help. Do not let that friend or loved one be another brick in the wall.

Depression, mania, and hypomania...oh my...

When I started this blog, I just kind of assumed that everyone knew the difference between mania and depression. That was a stupid assumption, I'd like to pretend it never happened, and I would like to explain the difference.
Depression is the low side of bipolar disorder (which, I should mention, was and is still sometimes referred to as manic-depressive disorder). Basically what happens here is that the person with the condition feels down and melancholy, lethargic (sluggish, not wanting to do anything), and hopeless. When I'm depressed, my thoughts also slow down to a point where they are almost like sludge. They move so slowly that it is hard to grasp them and form a complete thought. Sometimes the thought just drops from thin air. Both people with bipolar I and bipolar II experience depression. The depression generally lasts longer in those with bipolar II.
Mania is totally different. It's a state of euphoria (total happiness) and elation. It can also be a state of total irritability and impulsivity. I've been irritable during manic episodes. As for the impulses, some people go on shopping sprees, some people go on road trips, some perform dangerous stunts. I hoard food and binge-eat. Manic episodes also cause a loss of sleep. During my last major manic episode, I got 30 hours of sleep in a week. However, there is also a productivity factor there, for often people in manic episodes (including myself) become incredibly productive and get a ton of work done. Energy is key here. People with bipolar I have manic episodes, while those with bipolar II do not.
There is also something called a hypomanic episode. A hypomanic episode is a "less severe" version of a manic episode. Basically, it is not as intense and lasts a shorter period of time. However, it still greatly affects the life of the person with the condition.
Hope this helped a little!

Best,
Ben P.

Leave the memories alone...

As hard as I have searched, I have found no good reliable articles on the link between bipolar disorder and memory. The Mayo Clinic, however, states that one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is memory impairment. Medication may also play as a factor into memory impairment for it alters your brain chemistry in certain ways.
Memory impairment has affected me since my initial symptoms showed up around age fifteen. It started as forgetting to do a homework assignment here and there, or remembering to do a chore. But then, after a couple of years, it turned into forgetting what day of the week it was, forgetting the name of a person I have met several times, and forgetting to do simple tasks like taking my meds.
I have a couple of tricks for dealing with this memory problem. The biggest trick is sticky notes. I always use sticky notes, even for small things. And I pin them everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE. They literally fly out of my pockets on certain days.
Another trick is object placement. I'll place an object that I know will remind me of something that I need to do by the door or on the table near my bed. This helps me to remember that I have something important to do, and this object triggers my memory.
I also keep a planner. That one is pretty self-explanatory. The problem is remembering to check it every day.
I seem to have memory issues during depressive episodes, but not manic. I can barely remember my depressive episodes because my thoughts are like sludge (they move slowly), but I can remember the manic episodes well, mainly because I'm actually able to string together thoughts and remember them.
Point is, memory impairment is a major problem for me, and a problem that I'm sure others with bipolar disorder deal with too.

Best,
Ben P.

It's a Betty Crocker kind of day...

Hi All,

Today was one of those days where I could have screamed my head off from frustration. It wasn't so much what occurred today (if anything), but just from my mood. I woke up feeling down, went to get breakfast, saw a line, went to get breakfast at another restaurant, saw a longer line, and became more depressed. It's stupid stuff like that that sets me off when I'm feeling down as it is.
How did I try to cope with this depression. Easy. Betty Crocker's icing. That's right. Just straight-up icing from the can (vanilla, can't be chocolate because that just tastes funky by itself). This is the Icing Effect, where I'm so depressed that I go out and by icing because I've pretty much lost the will to care.
I guess I was depressed because I was lonely. I'm one of those people that loves solitude, but I also love talking to close friends. It's a contradiction, I know, but still. I was not around people today. In fact, I was so removed from people that I was starting to lose it. If I wasn't eating icing, I was sleeping. I took five naps today (ranging from half an hour to an hour), and what's sadder is that I'll probably sleep really well tonight, maybe ten to twelve hours. Sleep is my friend, but it is also my enemy in some respects.
My building is so quiet. Everyone here agrees. Most people hate that nobody socializes. I had one guy come into the lounge and watch the game (GO STATE) with me, and he didn't stick around long. This place is lonely, but it is sort of nice to have the place to myself.
That's all I have for today. By the way, I'm going to try to keep this blog updated daily/bi-daily (Bi-daily? Is that right? I mean every two days) and I may run out of ideas once in awhile, so if anyone has any suggestions for what I should write about, please let me know!

Best,
Ben P.

Medication...

Hi All,

A touchy subject for anyone with any illness is medication. With side effects, are medications worth it? Will these drugs alter my mind to a point of no return? Will my personality be gone after taking them?
I asked myself these same questions when I started taking medications. The problem with me was that I didn't really have a choice because my depression was so overwhelming and, well, life-threatening. I needed the meds, and some of you may argue that one does not need medication to make their life better, but believe me, I needed these meds. Badly. My mind was so gone that I needed an up, something that would change my brain chemistry. I needed a balance of the chemicals in my brain.
Of course, meds can have major side effects, especially when you've been misdiagnosed and are taking them for the wrong condition. Having the urge to eat everything in sight while losing the will to exercise can cause a weight gain of 120 lbs in a six month period, and all of this caused by one medication. Meds can also make you incredibly tired or even more moody (yes, this is counter-productive when you're taking medication for unipolar depression or bipolar disorder).
My theory about meds is that you have to tread lightly while keeping in mind that you're taking them to make yourself better. Going on a strict regiment of meds is also trying, but worth it in the long run if the medications actually works. Positive thinking, right?

Best,
Ben P.

From the beginning...

Hi All,

 

Most of my friends know me well enough to know that I'm a quiet person for the most part, but that I can be open when I want to be. Well, I've decided to be open with everyone here not only as a coping mechanism for myself, but also to keep you all informed on what goes on in the life of someone with my condition. I hope this will be an experience that will make us all laugh, cry, and want to live life to the fullest.

I'll just start from the beginning. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, specifically bipolar II, when I was 18. For those of you who do not know much about this condition, bipolar II is mostly a depressive condition, with no manic episodes. Most people would see this as a curse on their life, but I saw it as a blessing because I was originally misdiagnosed. Twice. I was placed on several different medications that affected my life in various ways, mostly negative.

When I was finally diagnosed, I realized that I had could actually start life anew. I might be able to fix relationships that I had destroyed through my depression, get myself back in shape, and make my own mind a better place.

Sadly, I still have not reached all of my goals, but I continue to work on them, day-by-day. Because that's what this condition is. It's a day-by-day battle, an uphill climb.

Since then, I have been through a ton of life trials (life many college students), and have also been diagnosed with bipolar I (meaning that I have manic episodes in addition to depressive episodes). I am now back at school, a junior at Penn State University (ROAR LIONS ROAR). It's been an emotional time. Being back here on the old stomping grounds, getting into the swing of classes, and connecting with new and old friends has had both a positive and negative strain on me.

This past weekend, I was feeling depressed. Most people that don't have the condition cannot place themselves in your shoes, so they say "Just think happy thoughts and that'll go away!" Yeah, real simple. The problem with depression brought on by bipolar is that it is a mental illness, not just a state of thought. You can't just think happy thoughts and make it go away entirely. I wish it were true, but it's not. Happy thoughts help, but they do not solve the whole issue.

This depression that I was experiencing turned into rapid pacing and hyperness. I knew within a few hours I was in a manic episode of some kind (not full-on manic, but some kind of high). I only slept for three hours that night, was still awake the next morning, then crashed during one of my classes. I ended up skipping a class for a psychiatrist appt, and another to sleep for two and a half hours.

I'm hoping with this blog that I can keep you all up-to-date on what's happening in my present, with maybe a sprinkle of past experiences thrown in. Please keep reading, and take care of yourselves.

 

Best,

Ben P.