Just another brick in the wall...

- "All in all, you're just another brick in the wall." -

Hi All,

I know that Pink Floyd had another meaning for their song, but I'm using this lyric to describe those people who suffer from depression (or bipolar) and whose symptoms and silent cries for help are ignored by those around them. Many people who show depressive symptoms often try to show it through their actions and words, but their friends and family often don't pick up on this, which can be harmful to both parties in the end should something happen to the sufferer.
When I was first experiencing depression, I would often lay my head down and tell my friends and family that I was tired. Most people would either write it off as me not getting enough sleep or me just complaining. I would also make jokes about...well, (let's get down to the nitty-gritty here) harming myself. No one took me seriously. "Dude, quit kidding around" is the only response I got.
It's a shame for us who have to suffer in silence and feel like we can't come out and say "I'm depressed. Please help me." It's really a shame for those who lose a loved one because they didn't pay attention to the signs.
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. But every week should be National Suicide Prevention Week. Because we all need to start paying attention. If you think you know someone that is depressed and not getting the help they need, do something about it. Be their first link to help. Do not let that friend or loved one be another brick in the wall.

Depression, mania, and hypomania...oh my...

When I started this blog, I just kind of assumed that everyone knew the difference between mania and depression. That was a stupid assumption, I'd like to pretend it never happened, and I would like to explain the difference.
Depression is the low side of bipolar disorder (which, I should mention, was and is still sometimes referred to as manic-depressive disorder). Basically what happens here is that the person with the condition feels down and melancholy, lethargic (sluggish, not wanting to do anything), and hopeless. When I'm depressed, my thoughts also slow down to a point where they are almost like sludge. They move so slowly that it is hard to grasp them and form a complete thought. Sometimes the thought just drops from thin air. Both people with bipolar I and bipolar II experience depression. The depression generally lasts longer in those with bipolar II.
Mania is totally different. It's a state of euphoria (total happiness) and elation. It can also be a state of total irritability and impulsivity. I've been irritable during manic episodes. As for the impulses, some people go on shopping sprees, some people go on road trips, some perform dangerous stunts. I hoard food and binge-eat. Manic episodes also cause a loss of sleep. During my last major manic episode, I got 30 hours of sleep in a week. However, there is also a productivity factor there, for often people in manic episodes (including myself) become incredibly productive and get a ton of work done. Energy is key here. People with bipolar I have manic episodes, while those with bipolar II do not.
There is also something called a hypomanic episode. A hypomanic episode is a "less severe" version of a manic episode. Basically, it is not as intense and lasts a shorter period of time. However, it still greatly affects the life of the person with the condition.
Hope this helped a little!

Best,
Ben P.

Leave the memories alone...

As hard as I have searched, I have found no good reliable articles on the link between bipolar disorder and memory. The Mayo Clinic, however, states that one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is memory impairment. Medication may also play as a factor into memory impairment for it alters your brain chemistry in certain ways.
Memory impairment has affected me since my initial symptoms showed up around age fifteen. It started as forgetting to do a homework assignment here and there, or remembering to do a chore. But then, after a couple of years, it turned into forgetting what day of the week it was, forgetting the name of a person I have met several times, and forgetting to do simple tasks like taking my meds.
I have a couple of tricks for dealing with this memory problem. The biggest trick is sticky notes. I always use sticky notes, even for small things. And I pin them everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE. They literally fly out of my pockets on certain days.
Another trick is object placement. I'll place an object that I know will remind me of something that I need to do by the door or on the table near my bed. This helps me to remember that I have something important to do, and this object triggers my memory.
I also keep a planner. That one is pretty self-explanatory. The problem is remembering to check it every day.
I seem to have memory issues during depressive episodes, but not manic. I can barely remember my depressive episodes because my thoughts are like sludge (they move slowly), but I can remember the manic episodes well, mainly because I'm actually able to string together thoughts and remember them.
Point is, memory impairment is a major problem for me, and a problem that I'm sure others with bipolar disorder deal with too.

Best,
Ben P.

It's a Betty Crocker kind of day...

Hi All,

Today was one of those days where I could have screamed my head off from frustration. It wasn't so much what occurred today (if anything), but just from my mood. I woke up feeling down, went to get breakfast, saw a line, went to get breakfast at another restaurant, saw a longer line, and became more depressed. It's stupid stuff like that that sets me off when I'm feeling down as it is.
How did I try to cope with this depression. Easy. Betty Crocker's icing. That's right. Just straight-up icing from the can (vanilla, can't be chocolate because that just tastes funky by itself). This is the Icing Effect, where I'm so depressed that I go out and by icing because I've pretty much lost the will to care.
I guess I was depressed because I was lonely. I'm one of those people that loves solitude, but I also love talking to close friends. It's a contradiction, I know, but still. I was not around people today. In fact, I was so removed from people that I was starting to lose it. If I wasn't eating icing, I was sleeping. I took five naps today (ranging from half an hour to an hour), and what's sadder is that I'll probably sleep really well tonight, maybe ten to twelve hours. Sleep is my friend, but it is also my enemy in some respects.
My building is so quiet. Everyone here agrees. Most people hate that nobody socializes. I had one guy come into the lounge and watch the game (GO STATE) with me, and he didn't stick around long. This place is lonely, but it is sort of nice to have the place to myself.
That's all I have for today. By the way, I'm going to try to keep this blog updated daily/bi-daily (Bi-daily? Is that right? I mean every two days) and I may run out of ideas once in awhile, so if anyone has any suggestions for what I should write about, please let me know!

Best,
Ben P.

Medication...

Hi All,

A touchy subject for anyone with any illness is medication. With side effects, are medications worth it? Will these drugs alter my mind to a point of no return? Will my personality be gone after taking them?
I asked myself these same questions when I started taking medications. The problem with me was that I didn't really have a choice because my depression was so overwhelming and, well, life-threatening. I needed the meds, and some of you may argue that one does not need medication to make their life better, but believe me, I needed these meds. Badly. My mind was so gone that I needed an up, something that would change my brain chemistry. I needed a balance of the chemicals in my brain.
Of course, meds can have major side effects, especially when you've been misdiagnosed and are taking them for the wrong condition. Having the urge to eat everything in sight while losing the will to exercise can cause a weight gain of 120 lbs in a six month period, and all of this caused by one medication. Meds can also make you incredibly tired or even more moody (yes, this is counter-productive when you're taking medication for unipolar depression or bipolar disorder).
My theory about meds is that you have to tread lightly while keeping in mind that you're taking them to make yourself better. Going on a strict regiment of meds is also trying, but worth it in the long run if the medications actually works. Positive thinking, right?

Best,
Ben P.

From the beginning...

Hi All,

 

Most of my friends know me well enough to know that I'm a quiet person for the most part, but that I can be open when I want to be. Well, I've decided to be open with everyone here not only as a coping mechanism for myself, but also to keep you all informed on what goes on in the life of someone with my condition. I hope this will be an experience that will make us all laugh, cry, and want to live life to the fullest.

I'll just start from the beginning. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, specifically bipolar II, when I was 18. For those of you who do not know much about this condition, bipolar II is mostly a depressive condition, with no manic episodes. Most people would see this as a curse on their life, but I saw it as a blessing because I was originally misdiagnosed. Twice. I was placed on several different medications that affected my life in various ways, mostly negative.

When I was finally diagnosed, I realized that I had could actually start life anew. I might be able to fix relationships that I had destroyed through my depression, get myself back in shape, and make my own mind a better place.

Sadly, I still have not reached all of my goals, but I continue to work on them, day-by-day. Because that's what this condition is. It's a day-by-day battle, an uphill climb.

Since then, I have been through a ton of life trials (life many college students), and have also been diagnosed with bipolar I (meaning that I have manic episodes in addition to depressive episodes). I am now back at school, a junior at Penn State University (ROAR LIONS ROAR). It's been an emotional time. Being back here on the old stomping grounds, getting into the swing of classes, and connecting with new and old friends has had both a positive and negative strain on me.

This past weekend, I was feeling depressed. Most people that don't have the condition cannot place themselves in your shoes, so they say "Just think happy thoughts and that'll go away!" Yeah, real simple. The problem with depression brought on by bipolar is that it is a mental illness, not just a state of thought. You can't just think happy thoughts and make it go away entirely. I wish it were true, but it's not. Happy thoughts help, but they do not solve the whole issue.

This depression that I was experiencing turned into rapid pacing and hyperness. I knew within a few hours I was in a manic episode of some kind (not full-on manic, but some kind of high). I only slept for three hours that night, was still awake the next morning, then crashed during one of my classes. I ended up skipping a class for a psychiatrist appt, and another to sleep for two and a half hours.

I'm hoping with this blog that I can keep you all up-to-date on what's happening in my present, with maybe a sprinkle of past experiences thrown in. Please keep reading, and take care of yourselves.

 

Best,

Ben P.