Hi All,
Due to some concern from "outside influences," I will be temporarily discontinuing the blog. Sorry to disappoint anyone who has actually been reading.
Hoping the best for everyone out there. Peace out.
Best,
Ben P.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Broken like porcelain...
Hi All,
I apologize for the lack of anything here for the past few days, but I've been hesitant about sharing what's been going on. But I think I need to share. There's no sense in hiding what's happening because it only harms me by keeping it in. And besides, my story should be told. It could help others for all I know.
This past week I was in a major slump. What started it was that I forgot a morning's worth of medication (which is actually a decent amount). From there, I got worse. I originally just felt sad and lost, but then I became angry, confused, morose, and, worst of all, I wanted to die.
By Wednesday night, I was standing in my bathroom with a bottle of Tylenol, debating on what to do with my life. Finally, I must have seen a glimmer of hope, for I put the bottle back and went to bed.
I don't know what's bothering me. School, friends, family, relationships (or lack of). It all came together. All I know is that I realized that night that life is worth living and things could be a hell of a lot worse. There is always hope, whether you know it or not.
I'm okay now, guys. Please don't worry about me. I just wanted to share this because I wanted to show that I'm not entirely off the grid, and also because maybe someone will benefit from knowing that if I can find hope, then anyone can.
Peace out, guys, and be safe.
Best,
Ben P.
I apologize for the lack of anything here for the past few days, but I've been hesitant about sharing what's been going on. But I think I need to share. There's no sense in hiding what's happening because it only harms me by keeping it in. And besides, my story should be told. It could help others for all I know.
This past week I was in a major slump. What started it was that I forgot a morning's worth of medication (which is actually a decent amount). From there, I got worse. I originally just felt sad and lost, but then I became angry, confused, morose, and, worst of all, I wanted to die.
By Wednesday night, I was standing in my bathroom with a bottle of Tylenol, debating on what to do with my life. Finally, I must have seen a glimmer of hope, for I put the bottle back and went to bed.
I don't know what's bothering me. School, friends, family, relationships (or lack of). It all came together. All I know is that I realized that night that life is worth living and things could be a hell of a lot worse. There is always hope, whether you know it or not.
I'm okay now, guys. Please don't worry about me. I just wanted to share this because I wanted to show that I'm not entirely off the grid, and also because maybe someone will benefit from knowing that if I can find hope, then anyone can.
Peace out, guys, and be safe.
Best,
Ben P.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
A trip down Memory Lane...
Hi All,
Today's blog post is not about me (entirely), but is dedicated to two people who are very special to me, even in death. I hope you are able to bare with me as I reminisce.
I was talking with a relative on my mom's side of the family, and we got to talking about my grandparents, both of whom have passed. I didn't know them all too well because they had moved to Florida when I was very young. But when the family realized that Gram had developed Alzheimer's, and Pop-Pop (our name for my grandfather) couldn't take care of her himself (Damn it, I'm tearing up just writing this), they moved up to Pennsylvania so that my parents and a few other relatives could help care for her.
Before they moved up, I didn't know either of them well. Gram loved kids, but Pop-Pop was kind of standoff-ish when it came to them. It took 15 years to finally establish some form of connection with him. Talking about his time in WWII, spending an hour trying to figure out how to work their two loungers, and trying to find ways to keep ourselves together while we watched Gram get worse. And then he got sick, and passed a few months later. Gram had just lost her husband of over 60 years and she had no idea.
Gram lived in a nursing home for a few months by herself. She was not doing well. Mom and dad decided that it would be best if she came to live with us. At the time, this was the worst 13 months of my life. My parents' attention went entirely to Gram, and I felt ignored. I became depressed. I tried to tell my parents, but both of them brushed it off. I continued to suffer in silence as my parents became more stressed with our home situation. Finally, it became too much and Gram was placed in a nursing home again. Over time she got worse and passed on (Still getting teary-eyed).
I hated Gram, but then I felt guilty for not only that, but for not visiting her in her final months. I regret that to this day, and I probably will for a long time to come. But I can still cherish the memories of her. Homemade roast beef, humming "Over There," her sitting outside in a lawn chair enjoyng a Spring day. I think that what I remember most is how sweet and sociable she had become in her last couple of years.
So Gram and Pop-Pop, thank you for the memories. You will continue to live on in them (Damn it, here come the tears).
Best,
Ben P.
Today's blog post is not about me (entirely), but is dedicated to two people who are very special to me, even in death. I hope you are able to bare with me as I reminisce.
I was talking with a relative on my mom's side of the family, and we got to talking about my grandparents, both of whom have passed. I didn't know them all too well because they had moved to Florida when I was very young. But when the family realized that Gram had developed Alzheimer's, and Pop-Pop (our name for my grandfather) couldn't take care of her himself (Damn it, I'm tearing up just writing this), they moved up to Pennsylvania so that my parents and a few other relatives could help care for her.
Before they moved up, I didn't know either of them well. Gram loved kids, but Pop-Pop was kind of standoff-ish when it came to them. It took 15 years to finally establish some form of connection with him. Talking about his time in WWII, spending an hour trying to figure out how to work their two loungers, and trying to find ways to keep ourselves together while we watched Gram get worse. And then he got sick, and passed a few months later. Gram had just lost her husband of over 60 years and she had no idea.
Gram lived in a nursing home for a few months by herself. She was not doing well. Mom and dad decided that it would be best if she came to live with us. At the time, this was the worst 13 months of my life. My parents' attention went entirely to Gram, and I felt ignored. I became depressed. I tried to tell my parents, but both of them brushed it off. I continued to suffer in silence as my parents became more stressed with our home situation. Finally, it became too much and Gram was placed in a nursing home again. Over time she got worse and passed on (Still getting teary-eyed).
I hated Gram, but then I felt guilty for not only that, but for not visiting her in her final months. I regret that to this day, and I probably will for a long time to come. But I can still cherish the memories of her. Homemade roast beef, humming "Over There," her sitting outside in a lawn chair enjoyng a Spring day. I think that what I remember most is how sweet and sociable she had become in her last couple of years.
So Gram and Pop-Pop, thank you for the memories. You will continue to live on in them (Damn it, here come the tears).
Best,
Ben P.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Take a sad song and make it better...
Hi All,
This is going to be brief because, well, I don't have much to talk about (well, there's a couple of things I would love to talk about, but outside influences are saying I can't). I just wanted to let you guys know that I've been doing well since I got out of the hospital. I've been dealing with the stresses of school, with people I feel are trying to bring me down (again, can't really talk about it here), and with life in general. But I think I'm taking it in stride.
I can't say that everything is perfect with the world, but things are definitely a hell of a lot better than they were even a week ago. It's a good feeling being stable for the first time in...well, months. I don't feel like I could conquer the world, and I don't feel like the world can conquer me. I am at a happy in-between.
I think this could be a new beginning for me...I really do. I think that I could potentially stay stablized and lead a happy and productive life. Because I do not want the alternative...that is, leading a crappy, miserable existance. I mean come on! Who really wants that?
Anyways, I'm hoping I have some excitement in my life (good excitement) because I think I need something more to talk about. I am definitely keeping this blog going because, (I'm sorry) let's face it, this mood won't stay great forever. It's pessimistic, but it's not self-destruction through fortune-telling like some of you will say. It's just the truth with bipolar disorder. It can rear its ugly head at any time.
I'm going to end this post before I start with the pessimism and scare everyone away from reading. So I'm hoping that all is well with you guys.
Best,
Ben P.
This is going to be brief because, well, I don't have much to talk about (well, there's a couple of things I would love to talk about, but outside influences are saying I can't). I just wanted to let you guys know that I've been doing well since I got out of the hospital. I've been dealing with the stresses of school, with people I feel are trying to bring me down (again, can't really talk about it here), and with life in general. But I think I'm taking it in stride.
I can't say that everything is perfect with the world, but things are definitely a hell of a lot better than they were even a week ago. It's a good feeling being stable for the first time in...well, months. I don't feel like I could conquer the world, and I don't feel like the world can conquer me. I am at a happy in-between.
I think this could be a new beginning for me...I really do. I think that I could potentially stay stablized and lead a happy and productive life. Because I do not want the alternative...that is, leading a crappy, miserable existance. I mean come on! Who really wants that?
Anyways, I'm hoping I have some excitement in my life (good excitement) because I think I need something more to talk about. I am definitely keeping this blog going because, (I'm sorry) let's face it, this mood won't stay great forever. It's pessimistic, but it's not self-destruction through fortune-telling like some of you will say. It's just the truth with bipolar disorder. It can rear its ugly head at any time.
I'm going to end this post before I start with the pessimism and scare everyone away from reading. So I'm hoping that all is well with you guys.
Best,
Ben P.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Total Hiatus...
Hi All,
I apologize for yet another small hiatus, but I was just discharged from the hospital this morning. It was a long three days, but I survived another stay.
Guys, it was not too pleasant of a stay. Yes, everyone was nice, and I was treated very well, but I was pretty much there against my will. I admitted myself, but I did not want to be there. I was pretty much forced into going by the CanHelp Hotline people. Needless to say, I will never be calling them again (and I hope I never have a reason to anyways).
Anyways, I was taken to the emergency room early Friday morning. I sat there in a bed for five hours, trying to sleep, but hardly getting any. While I was there, they did a lithium level, along with a a few other blood tests. Finally, they admitted me to the Behavioral Health Unit (that basically means psych ward).
The next day, I slept through basically the whole day. I was that tired. But I still went to group therapy and any other group sessions that they had. The following two days were uneventful, save for group therapy sessions, movies (Forrest Gump still stands as one of the greatest movies of all time, but I will give Walk the Line credit as an awesome movie too), and meals (hospital actually is not that bad). I also made a collage (I freaking rule at making collages).
Finally, today they did another lithium level and I was told that it was perfect. I waited around for three days for a blood test that could be done outside the hospital. Anyways, I was told I could go and was released this morning.
Anyways, thanks for reading this. I know it's just me talking about the hospital, but I had to get it out there.
Best,
Ben P.
I apologize for yet another small hiatus, but I was just discharged from the hospital this morning. It was a long three days, but I survived another stay.
Guys, it was not too pleasant of a stay. Yes, everyone was nice, and I was treated very well, but I was pretty much there against my will. I admitted myself, but I did not want to be there. I was pretty much forced into going by the CanHelp Hotline people. Needless to say, I will never be calling them again (and I hope I never have a reason to anyways).
Anyways, I was taken to the emergency room early Friday morning. I sat there in a bed for five hours, trying to sleep, but hardly getting any. While I was there, they did a lithium level, along with a a few other blood tests. Finally, they admitted me to the Behavioral Health Unit (that basically means psych ward).
The next day, I slept through basically the whole day. I was that tired. But I still went to group therapy and any other group sessions that they had. The following two days were uneventful, save for group therapy sessions, movies (Forrest Gump still stands as one of the greatest movies of all time, but I will give Walk the Line credit as an awesome movie too), and meals (hospital actually is not that bad). I also made a collage (I freaking rule at making collages).
Finally, today they did another lithium level and I was told that it was perfect. I waited around for three days for a blood test that could be done outside the hospital. Anyways, I was told I could go and was released this morning.
Anyways, thanks for reading this. I know it's just me talking about the hospital, but I had to get it out there.
Best,
Ben P.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
"I don't want the label..."
Hi All,
I know that I just posted yesterday, but I wanted to share something that affected me today. It's a quick story, but this really bothered me, and continues to.
I was helping an organization I'm part of, called Active Minds, with a table promoting awareness of suicide awareness. It was me and a girl (whose name I obviously will not use here) who's part of the organization manning the table when a college student about my age walked over. He was looking over the stuff that we had laid out (pamphlets, pins, the like) when he picked up a bracelet. The bracelets say "I cannot be replaced" on them and they have instructions attached to pass on the bracelet to someone who you know is struggling with depression. This guy was looking at the bracelet when the girl I was working with said something along the lines of "You should take one of those. It could really help someone out." The guy said in a solemn voice "I actually am one of those people," meaning that he must have been suffering from depression. The girl then said "Oh, well then you should definitly take one." Then the guy said something that floored me: "I don't want the label." Before leaving, he pointed to one of our pamphlets which has the word UNTREATABLE with the UN crossed out (meaning that mental disorders are treatable), and he said "That's very true," then walked off.
Sigh...where do I start? Two things I want to say.
1. Mental illness is treatable. Sure, there's no cure for most of those illnesses, but treatment plans are always possible. If you have a mental illness, you are not a lost cause. You can be treated and you can be helped.
2. Stigma is a bitch. Sorry for the language, but come on. I was always afraid of labels before I started telling friends (and the family that didn't already know) about my illness. You have to look past the labels because the fact is that this is your health. It's not only part of who you are (although obviously you didn't choose it), but it's also your health. No one should make fun of you for your health. That's just wrong.
It really bummed me out that this guy wasn't even willing to wear a bracelet because he was afraid he would be labeled. I obviously don't know his situation, and I don't know his condition, but the poor guy needs to look past the labels and do what's best for him, not what to do just for appearances.
I'm attaching several links to the bottom of this post. For anyone who needs help or knows someone who needs help, or just even a boost, take a look at these links. The first one is a TEDTalk which I think a lot of people have seen, but it's a comedian who suffers from depression. It's 10 minutes long, but worth watching. The second is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline site.
Anyways, I'm done ranting for tonight. Thanks for reading, guys, it's really appreciated.
Best,
Ben P.
http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
I know that I just posted yesterday, but I wanted to share something that affected me today. It's a quick story, but this really bothered me, and continues to.
I was helping an organization I'm part of, called Active Minds, with a table promoting awareness of suicide awareness. It was me and a girl (whose name I obviously will not use here) who's part of the organization manning the table when a college student about my age walked over. He was looking over the stuff that we had laid out (pamphlets, pins, the like) when he picked up a bracelet. The bracelets say "I cannot be replaced" on them and they have instructions attached to pass on the bracelet to someone who you know is struggling with depression. This guy was looking at the bracelet when the girl I was working with said something along the lines of "You should take one of those. It could really help someone out." The guy said in a solemn voice "I actually am one of those people," meaning that he must have been suffering from depression. The girl then said "Oh, well then you should definitly take one." Then the guy said something that floored me: "I don't want the label." Before leaving, he pointed to one of our pamphlets which has the word UNTREATABLE with the UN crossed out (meaning that mental disorders are treatable), and he said "That's very true," then walked off.
Sigh...where do I start? Two things I want to say.
1. Mental illness is treatable. Sure, there's no cure for most of those illnesses, but treatment plans are always possible. If you have a mental illness, you are not a lost cause. You can be treated and you can be helped.
2. Stigma is a bitch. Sorry for the language, but come on. I was always afraid of labels before I started telling friends (and the family that didn't already know) about my illness. You have to look past the labels because the fact is that this is your health. It's not only part of who you are (although obviously you didn't choose it), but it's also your health. No one should make fun of you for your health. That's just wrong.
It really bummed me out that this guy wasn't even willing to wear a bracelet because he was afraid he would be labeled. I obviously don't know his situation, and I don't know his condition, but the poor guy needs to look past the labels and do what's best for him, not what to do just for appearances.
I'm attaching several links to the bottom of this post. For anyone who needs help or knows someone who needs help, or just even a boost, take a look at these links. The first one is a TEDTalk which I think a lot of people have seen, but it's a comedian who suffers from depression. It's 10 minutes long, but worth watching. The second is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline site.
Anyways, I'm done ranting for tonight. Thanks for reading, guys, it's really appreciated.
Best,
Ben P.
http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
With a little help from my friends...
Hi All,
Sorry for the delay. There's been a lot going on and I wasn't sure what to write about. I didn't want to force a blog topic just for the sake of writing one, so I waited. But I'm back, so here goes.
This past week was rough. I was having a hard time with moods (mainly depression) and just the stresses of life in general. I had a good cry one day, and slept away through classes for another.
But I made it through my week with the help of some friends and family. I depend on these people greatly, and I owe them big time.
A support system is an amazing thing to have. Everyone needs friends and/or family to support them. You can't go through it alone, whether you have a mental illness or not. But those of us with a mental illness need support from those around us. We don't need constant supervision, but we need to know that someone will be there to help us when we're in need of it.
So I am mainly using today's post to thank my friends and family for their help, not just this week, but every week. Sorry for the short post, especially after a longer break, but I'll be back with more once I'm back on track.
Best,
Ben P.
Sorry for the delay. There's been a lot going on and I wasn't sure what to write about. I didn't want to force a blog topic just for the sake of writing one, so I waited. But I'm back, so here goes.
This past week was rough. I was having a hard time with moods (mainly depression) and just the stresses of life in general. I had a good cry one day, and slept away through classes for another.
But I made it through my week with the help of some friends and family. I depend on these people greatly, and I owe them big time.
A support system is an amazing thing to have. Everyone needs friends and/or family to support them. You can't go through it alone, whether you have a mental illness or not. But those of us with a mental illness need support from those around us. We don't need constant supervision, but we need to know that someone will be there to help us when we're in need of it.
So I am mainly using today's post to thank my friends and family for their help, not just this week, but every week. Sorry for the short post, especially after a longer break, but I'll be back with more once I'm back on track.
Best,
Ben P.
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